


Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights

by Kissa



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Boys In Love, Choices, Getting Together, Good Parabatai Alec Lightwood, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Idiots in Love, Jace Wayland Feels, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, Love, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Feels, Protective Alec Lightwood, Virgin Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 07:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29995653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissa/pseuds/Kissa
Summary: Alec makes an uneasy choice. Back home, he finds Jace to be far more alright with it as he expected.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights

**Author's Note:**

> There's like the briefest mention of past non-consensual stuff.  
> And Magnus thinks that all's fair in love and war.
> 
> Warning: smaller boy in big sweater (Windy beware ;) )

“Alexander, please. Just for this evening, try to switch off the Head of the Institute part. Everyone is safe, my magical wards around the Institute have been renewed...You can let yourself enjoy a nice evening out.”    
  
Alec looks at the stunning man next to him at the bar. Magnus was his first kiss, and not just any first kiss, but with everyone who’s someone in the Clave as witnesses. When it comes to putting pressure on Alec, no one does it better than Alec.   


This would be their second date and there’s a certain electricity floating around them, and the Nephilim is sure it’s not just the warlock’s magic. A lot of it is anticipation, because this evening will morph into the night and lead to something else. Something… more.    
  
And it would all be fine, Alec decided a while ago. He’s still weird about it and guarded, and he’s had it with people talking behind his back and laughing when they think he’s not paying attention. On one hand, he is thirsty as hell and would love to have sex already to get it out of the way, because it seems as though it’s the one step he has to take in order to be accepted and to be taken seriously. But on the other, he still hurts from the realisation Jace will never love him back the same way he loves Jace. It feels as though, no matter who ends up being his first, it won’t mean anything or worse, it will be a huge disappointment. He doesn’t know how to find an angle of looking at his problem without hurting endlessly. Why does it have to matter so much whether or not he has sex?   
  
He looks at the golden, foaming liquid in the large glass Magnus ordered for him. Beer will never be his thing, it smells too much like it’s already been drunk once and it’s bitter, but apparently men drink this and love it. He’s going to have to live with points deducted from his man license or whatever, because even for Magnus’ sake, he can’t bring himself to care about the stuff. Gold, like the way Jace’s eyes light up with his newly-discovered power.    
  
They’ve been through so much. Alec’s heart twitches painfully at the memory of Jace, kneeling next to him, looking worried sick for him and covered in wounds, then being taken away on Aldertree’s order, rotting away in the City of Bones with no sunlight, no warm water, no pillow to rest his head on.    
  
And only the Angel knows what tortures and horrors Jace had to endure at his father’s hands.    
  
Then seeing him, dirty, wounded, carrying marks of everything Alec wasn’t there to protect him from, standing in the hallway at the entrance of the Institute, having portaled in just in time to help Alec and Izzy recover from being possessed.    
  
It is too much to live with, the knowledge he’s neglected the best part of him and Jace still came to save him when it mattered, only to be punished for it - over and over. And if Jace has lost the ability to trust, who can blame him?   
  
Alec feels shame. He’s been neglecting his parabatai on purpose, out of hurt. He just decided, on the day he saw Clary grab Jace and kiss him, that Jace is forever lost to him and that his parabatai made his miserable choice - miserable because it wasn’t  _ him. _

“Alexander? You’re zoning out again.” Magnus rests his hand briefly on Alec’s to regain his attention.    
  
“Yeah, sorry. I just have a lot on my mind and I can’t switch it off.”   
  
“Is it work?” Magnus asks, trying to be sympathetic.    
  
“No, it’s personal. It’s Jace. I’ve let us drift apart because of resentment.”    
  
“Alexander, but what if it’s not resentment? You’re being too harsh on yourself. What if it’s just… realism? Jace is… otherwise preoccupied at the moment and he doesn’t seem to have time for his parabatai right now. It’s normal to feel pushed away and to fill that void with new connections.”    
  
“You don’t get it. Jace is a part of me. You’ve seen it. I can’t live without him.”   
  
“He seems to be doing really well without you. It’s not fair to you to cling onto a one-sided bond. How about we move this conversation to my loft, where I can introduce you to some actually delicious cocktails. I see beer doesn’t meet your approval.”   


Alec nods and feels like a coward. He’s trembling like a blade of grass in a storm on the inside and he feels like he is selling something very precious of himself for pennies. 

At the loft, Magnus actually does fix them some cocktails and watches Alec down two different ones, a Caipirinha and a Cosmopolitan. The conversation from the bar continues effortlessly.    
  
“I think it’s very good you allow yourself to do things and meet people that aren’t your sister or your parabatai. You are more than their shadow or their mother figure, always chasing after them, making sure they are bathed, fed and safe.”   
  
“Izzy would make you into shoes and a matching purse if she heard you,” Alec says, now properly tipsy, as someone with no experience in drinking.    
  
“I have no doubt about that. Let’s not repeat this conversation to your sister then.” Magnus says with a smile, pushing on. “But Jace wouldn’t care either way, I doubt he notices you are gone and wonders where you are.”    
  
“Don’t start, Magnus,” Alec holds up a finger. Not  _ that _ one, his index finger - at least he hopes he got it right. “Don’t come for Jace. He is like the sun to my moon - he can exist without me just fine, but I can’t live without him at all.” 

“Alexander, this is fixation, not a bond. I’ve met many other parabatai pairs before you and Jace - none as codependent and as enmeshed as you. You need to focus on a life of your own, you can’t always be mothering Jace from the shadows, there will never be any payoff to that. He will never love you back like you want him to. But I can, Alexander. You are so special, if only you let me show you just how much.”   
  
Alec is about to tell Magnus that people who try to make him choose them over Jace always lose because he would choose Jace even over himself, hands down.    
  
And in that moment, it doesn’t matter that Jace won’t ever love him back. Or kiss him, or wrap himself around him in bed at night, or marry him in gold. Jace pulled him from the sure grip of death when even Magnus’ magic couldn’t. Jace always comes running when Alec needs him, even if Clary is around, making everything into a bigger mess than it needs to be, putting her lips and Raziel knows what other parts of hers on Jace.    
  
The doors to Magnus’ loft open and Clary bursts in. She can go through the wards like a hot knife through butter, and she chose this moment to crash whatever activity Magnus was engaging in.    
  
Alec is not surprised at all. Maybe now Magnus will see just how annoying his _precious fucking Biscuit_ can be.    
  
“Magnus! I need somewhere to crash. I can’t stay at the Institute anymore!” Clary says, before bursting into loud sobs. “Oh Alec, you’re here too, how convenient. I’m going to find another Institute to take me in and you are going to write me a recommendation letter. And after you do that, you’ll tell Jace to go fu-”    
  
Magnus waves his hands and Clary is put on “mute”.   
  
“It seems you have a situation at home, and the mood for tonight is ruined. I need to take care of this for now. Let me portal you home?”    
  
“No, thank you. Actually, Magnus, I don’t think I can do this - not the drinking, or the chatting and the dates and… maybe if we had met at a different time. But I need to go and take care of Jace.”    
  
“Alexander… you don’t have to. You need to choose yourself too, sooner or later.”    
  
Alec reaches to Magnus and carefully cups his cheek in his palm, caressing ever so slightly.    
  
“You do not get it and it’s fine, I don’t expect anyone to. I choose for things to be as they are. Good night, Magnus.”   
  
With those words, he shows himself out, leaving Magnus alone to face the tsunami of complaints and ranting. _He_ has had enough of those and Clary’s entitlement for several lifetimes, not just this one.    
  


* * *

  
At the Institute, everyone already went to bed or is training. Jace is not with the others and, judging by the chills Alec is getting through the bond, it is easy to locate his parabatai. 

He stops by his room and grabs a warm sweater before heading up, to the roof.    
  
It’s always been their little place, where they would come as boys to talk undisturbed or to learn dangerous advanced martial arts moves without the adults seeing them practice and fail.    
  
Now Alec sees Jace huddled into himself at one end of the stone bench on the roof. It’s really cold outside at night, and Jace elected to sit there in just a t-shirt, shivering visibly and sobbing loudly.   
  
“Here, put this on.” Alec says, as gently as he can, handing Jace his sweater. 

Jace sniffles and looks up at his parabatai, taking the sweater and putting it on. It’s too big for him, it looks almost like a dress and the sleeves make his hands disappear under the hems. But it’s warm and it smells like Alec. Like home.    
  
“What happened?” Alec asks, sitting next to Jace and pulling him close with one arm.    
  
“Clary is a cunt, that’s what happened. And I only saw it now.” Jace says, visibly annoyed and distraught. Usually he never talks about anyone in such strong terms. “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be at Magnus’, getting it on?”    
  
“That ship has sailed the moment _Biscuit_ barged in. I am sure she used up all of Magnus’ benevolence credit by cockblocking tonight. But I’m grateful to her. I was about to be my doormat self and go along with things to make others happy again, but then she interrupted and I could slip away.”    
  
“Now you came out, but got little out of it. Are you alright, Alec? How are you feeling after all this?” Jace asks, sobering up to the fact that Alec’s been through a really big and messy arc, catching even more shit for coming out the way he did, but now not even getting a boyfriend out of it. And deep down, beneath more complicated emotions, Jace could feel Alec is bothered by the whole virginity thing. Except, confusingly enough, that doesn’t seem to apply anymore. He only feels a sort of calm resolve from his parabatai and he worries it’s the kind people get when they’ve decided to do something drastic.    
  
“I feel great, Jace. I am where I want to be. Only tonight I realised it doesn’t have to be a choice between being there for you and having a boyfriend. It has to be both. I need to know you are safe and happy, and then I can have a boyfriend - and whoever it is, they will have to accept you come first. That person may well not exist, and that’s fine too.”   
  
Jace moves away to look at Alec and smile through his tears.   
  
Alec can see his parabatai is having a Jace™ thought process, that usually ends up generating unreal levels of chaos, not always in a bad way.    
  
“What if you could have both? In the same person I mean.” Jace asks, then laughs nervously. “I shouldn’t feel so damn insecure, but it’s you and you know the mess I am.”   
  
“Jace, it’s very nice of you, but you’re straight.”    
  
“Whatever gave you that impression?”    
  
“Only a straight man would put up with Clary’s shit for so long and still want to… you know.”    
  
“Clary and I never…  _ you know _ -ed.” Jace says, grinning from ear to ear. “I didn’t feel comfortable enough to want to do it with anyone. I’ve had stuff done to me, but I was never sober and it was never my choice. I guess that’s the price to pay for looking like this.”    
  
“Jace, that’s rape.” Alec says, gasping. “Why didn’t you say anything?”   


He tightens his arm around Jace, pulling him closer again and caressing his arm as a small silent comfort.    
  
“I don’t know. I felt like I failed somehow. For not being good at any of this shit. And I’m good at everything!”    
  
“Which is all the more reason for you not to be offering yourself to me like you did just now.”    
  
“Well, fair. I knew I’m not deserving of you.” Jace says. “I guess unusually clingy parabatai is all we get to be.”    
  
“Jace! You deserve the world. And I’d love to be that lucky person. But I need you to be sure, and not coming at it from a place of suffering and loss, like now. Let’s give it time. We’re still parabatai and closer than most Shadowhunters anyway. I’m not walking out on you anymore.”   


“And I’m not going on reckless one man wars anymore.” Jace says, guilt audible in his voice. 

Alec lets his hand from the arm that’s hugging Jace close slide further up, onto Jace’s nape, over the short hairs and then into the longer strands at the top. His fingers on Jace’s scalp draw purr-like sounds from his parabatai, who snuggles closer and sighs contentedly.    
  
Jace’s tears have long dried on his cheeks and, as usual when Alec is with him, everything is alright in his world. 

And judging by the cozy, warm feeling enveloping Alec too, he's made the right choice tonight.   
  



End file.
